I’ve lived with
prog rock bassists
closet racists
a schmuck who will not
shut the damn fridge
anarchists
gold-star addicts
I’ve lived with everyone

Ivy leaguers
fake ID dealers
a couple of couples
who were touchy-feelers
bucktoothed lap dogs
but why keep track cause
I’ve lived with every…

one-trick pony
cooking Rice-a-Roni
psych majors
who think they know me
Marxists from Texas
and straight-A sexists

tax evaders
locked-out neighbors
stay-at-home moms
who salute dictators
men who burn toast
and maybe some ghosts
I’ve lived with everyone

but never have I
and never will I
room with my best friend

don’t room with your best friend

I’ve lived with
squares and sticklers
body chiselers
borderline abusive ticklers
couch potatoes
drunk barf-volcanoes
I’ve lived with everyone

stoic preteens
hopeless ski teams
pre-school teachers
pre-morning caffeine
Mormon doormen
but who keeps score when
you’ve lived with everyone

White rappers
whiter rappers
the dust of crushed-up
saltine crackers
drama queens
causing scenes
and dicks who piss on sublent toilet seats
dicks who piss on sublent toilet seats
dicks who piss
dicks who piss
dicks
dicks dicks dicks

chronic kleptomaniacs
steal my shit and sell it back
clean the kitchen once
then act like they deserve a plaque
cats, rats, goats, horses
hordes of human-eating roaches
and guitar solo divas

never have I
and never will I
room with my best friend

don’t room with your best friend

we both go to sleep at twelve
regularly clean ourselves
and when you fart/fuck, I can't hear it
but if you moved in
I fear my friend
would become another song lyric

closet bassists
prog rock racists
a schmuck who will not shut
the damn fridge
anarchists
gold-star addicts
I’ve lived with everyone
and it wasn’t any fun
but I’ll live with anyone
but you